“My Love Story”, does it exist to me?

Well, it seems strange since this is the first time i’m sharing story about love, even this is what i have been going through, not somebody else’s story. Wishing this writing will help somebody out there who might have similar condition. 😉

The statements “When you will get married, Nova? with whom? do you love somebody?” have been popping up since these 2 years, not only from friends and relatives but also from myself. Even the questions “Why you keep being single and unmarried? Look at your friends now, even many youngers already been married, then you? Somehow I wish i could answer it gently, but “smiling” is the best way now, well too many things should be considered and explained. Some friends often joke “Hey, your radar is always active and you keep screening those people, then why you can’t just grab one for your boyfriend or even husband.” Oh come on, i’m gonna honestly said that yes true, my radar is always active and even the sensor’s sensitivity is much better now, but it doesn’t mean I will screen those people and just grab 1 person then. They are not virus or a thing for sure.

Complicated story, well yeah, I’d like to announce that I’m proud enough to be single for almost 25 years. is it a pity or a choice? Hmm, i’m gonna gently said it’s a choice. Then maybe you will think that i’m a nerd, weirdo, ancient or whatever. Smiling is the best answer, again i have bunch of reasons that maybe I can share here,

  • It’s not allowed in my religion, Islam. Well, It’s not even stated in Al qur’an or Hadist to have relationship before marriage, so I just wanna apply it to my life. Here are some verses about marriage in Al qur’an, for the more details maybe you can google them.

Qur’an Surah Ar Ruum 21: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.

Qur’an Surah An Nuur 32: And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.

  • I don’t wanna get hurt. “why? you haven’t been in relationship, right?” Well, I’ve seen too many bad love stories from my friends, and praying that it wont happen to me in the future.

The words “bad relationship” already boomed up for me since I know what it’s love, maybe since 10 years ago. Having relationships then broken up while already gave everything. I can imagine how painful the persons then. Really, no guarantee for having good relationship will end up with great marriage and life.

  • The words “move on” is kinda a nightmare for me when I loved somebody. Well yeah, I’ve been thinking these things to be told for these few years, and now i’m gonna reveal some of them. 😉

I’m thankful that I ever had crush on somebody for almost 7 years, because of this “silly feeling” then I really ignored other persons trying to approach me. Until the time I stopped like him, i still didn’t know that being in relationship is not allowed. I can say it wasn’t love since I was easily erasing the feeling. Why it did take so long? Maybe because of friends, they kept yelling me and him whenever we met. But then the good thing was I could distinguish which was just a feeling, admiration, like and love. I thought I would like to be free from such kinda annoyed feeling until somebody suddenly came over to my life 3 years ago. Well, yeah now i can say it’s a like feeling since I suffered enough to hold this feeling and let it go. If he didn’t care too much, i definitely wouldn’t fall for him. Bad thing was I didn’t prepare myself to have another closed guy friend at that time. I was used to have good guy friends, but nobody treated me like what he did. But well, that’s my past, it’s enough to like him for 1 year. I know everything happens for a reason, and maybe Allah destined me to meet him just for testing how strong I am to hold my faith for not being in relationship. I do know there is no coincidence happens for every single thing here on earth.

“Then how about today? Do i still like him? or do i find someone else? or what happen with me now?” i think these questions pop up not only from my brain but also from some close friends. Today, I honestly tell that i’m really in the gray area, just like the region in fuzzy logic system, it’s really not clear whether black or white. I really cannot determine how’s my feeling right now. I do aware it’s strange, but yeah I have no idea how to get over it. But one good thing is I don’t like him anymore so now i’m feeling free. One of the big reason why I suddenly start over again to love Korean boyband and actors, these are just an excuse to step away. Yeah, at least 98% of this treatment is successful. Then these days, I do meet many new people here in this city and luckily I already prepared myself to not fall as what I had before. Being glad to have guy friends here since i’m feeling like in my previous university back in Indonesia and also having girl friends here as well. They are really good people and hope will “establish” good friendships then.

Living cheerfully while focusing on my study is the absolute goal that I have to achieve right now, but it doesn’t mean I won’t think about having somebody special that will be my husband. If you ask me now who? then I definitely cannot answer. The only one who knows it is Allah, and I put all of my faith toward Him. He knows the best for His creations. I do believe if somebody loves me truthfully, then he will come over and proposed me to be his wife, not by giving such “fake” cares for taking any advantages. I know i’m just an ordinary woman with thousand dreams, but I do believe it will work out someday.

Anyway, these two quotes are successful enough to insist me creating a curve in my lips. 🙂

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Aachen, Nord Rhine Westphalia – Germany

Saturday, 6 November 2014

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Dear Nova, Please don’t drag me into that hole again (3)

As depression was going on, i tended to stay inside my room, no food, no cooking, no interaction with people. I felt like my room was kinda a jail for me, the best place too. There was one time when I went to the kitchen and one of my floormates noticed that I acted abnormally. He asked me “how are you doing” then i answered “I’m okay”. But then he said, “No, you’re not okay. Go out from your room, go meet people. If you don’t have somebody to accompany with, go alone, look at people. Go to city center, don’t bridle yourself in your room. It’s totally not good for you.” Oh God, thank you for opening a bit of my mind as what he said was totally true. I just smiled to him and said thanks. Later, I went out to city center alone and found peace. I smiled, I smiled to people I passed by, I smiled when looking at people with things they did.

My friend asked me to go to Psychologist as she noticed I had depression, even though it was in light state. At that time, there was email from university about psychological therapy in campus. She kept pushing me to contact them. I cried a lot at that time, realizing that I depressed. She asked me to promise her to go to that place. I couldn’t do that, but again she pushed me. Then I did agree. I wrote down the email to one of psychologist mentioned, but after finishing writing it, I deleted it. “No, I don’t wanna go to psychologist. I don’t need help. I just need to fix myself, I can do it by myself.” the thoughts came into my mind after deleting that email. Next day I said to her that I canceled to ask help from psychologist, she surprised and asked me how could I handle with my current situation at that time. I said, I had God, I prayed, so it could help. But then she said,” No, it won’t help, you need somebody’s help sooner.” I kept insisting her that I could handle it by myself, and would contact her as I felt totally okay.

I’m pretty sure people will ask “do you believe in God,right? Then why did you have such condition like that?”, “If you’re muslim, you prayed, you recited alqur’an then why you have depression?” Oh well, if you ever had such condition like that, then you wouldn’t ask those questions and you would know the answers. It’s easy to say and judge people, right? rather than looking at them in their point of views. Maybe you guys are stronger enough than people who had depression. Everybody has their own problem, but not everybody can handle them. For me, I wasn’t ready to handle such chained episodes of life that came continually time by time. I wasn’t able to cope them, seems like my both hands were too small to handle them. I kept praying regularly, reciting quran regularly too. In some points, I felt so okay, but in others, i felt down again. It was so hard to get up again, seriously. And as we know the faith will always like sinusoidal curve, there is always gonna be ups and downs.

I still prayed, but why depression could stay in my life? Well, it happened because I didn’t do them so seriously. Every word recited from my mouth during prayers were not taken into my heart seriously, I didn’t use the prayer as the direct communication between me and my God, even though sometimes I did it. I didn’t absorbed well what have been written in Quran as the cure of my depression. I kept asking God to take away my worries, give me happiness, help me go through this phase of life, take away the loneliness feeling, and protect me wherever I am. I did it everyday together with other prayers, kept seeking helps from my God as I do always believe He is always watching me every time.

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source: Ustadz Nouman Ali Khan

I know nobody could help me except myself or maybe if they could, they only could help a little bit. I seek helps through prayers and quran even though sometimes depression still attacked. It was early last month when the turning point came over, finally Alhamdulillah. It happened after I felt to give up, I couldn’t handle everything anymore after crying days by days. I took wudhu (washing parts of body before praying), then prayed. My tears kept falling down until I finished it. I was feeling a bit relaxed, I could breathe well then. Few minutes later, I grabbed my Quran, randomly opened it and recited the whole verses in those 2 pages. WOW, it hit me directly to my heart and mind, just like an arrow, it came exactly into the target. I cried while reading the translations, word by word, it hit me so deeply. Alhamdulillah, Thank GOD, now I finally found the answers that I’ve been searching for months. What an extremely amazing medication, my heart felt so much ease after reading it, my chest didn’t longer hold my breaths, I could breathe so well after that, nothing was stuck in my chest anymore. Allah has told me “Everything happened was already been written long long long time ago.”, “Trust Allah, then everything will work out”, “Don’t be sad and always be patient.” It seemed like I just find the strong light radiated myself, showed me the way out of that hole.

I opened social networks websites, searching for videos or kinda words that could lead me to be in better state, and yep, I found them. One of them was the news about refugees crisis. It brought me remember the phases of life that I have gone through. “Hey, dear Nova, come one dear! WAKE UP!!!! Don’t you think it’s too pathetic for yourself to be like this for quite long time after things that you have gone through before and things that you had achieved before? Don’t you have such much worse stages of life that maybe other will never ever had that? You didn’t stress and depress, right? then why now? Why you have such thing like that now? Why? Don’t you see people keep trying to be alive everyday? Even you, you have ever tried to escape from death, right? Then why now you try to die? Don’t you count how bless you are compared to other people? Don’t you think that you are really in the stage of what many people admire? So, what’s your excuses, dear? Come on stop it! Start your ‘new life’ brightly, do not care about what people said, don’t care about people’s care, if you’re alone, you have God, right? He is always gonna stay in your side, just believe that. No storm will last forever dear, remember that. No rain that won’t stop, so do your problems. It’s not difficult, you just have to believe that you will pass everything nicely. Don’t you remember what your God said that the tests given to you will never ever beyond your ability? So, remember dear, RELY only on ALLAH, no matter what.” I said these things to my self couple times. Can you imagine how come such words like this can come out from a depressed person? Well, I don’t know, it’s like the magical spells come out from my heart and transmit to my brain, dictate the whole body to be in really good states.

Yeah, I deal with it, I deal with these two words, I throw them away now and face my new life chapter. I don’t care anymore to things happen around me that can possibly trigger my sadness, I already let everything go, I already let people that ever come into my life go, I didn’t hold them anymore as what I normally do. I had learned to not easily trust people. I had learned to not give some part of my heart to people who do not deserve it, I had learned how to deal with myself, I had learned how to diminish hope on people, I had learned how to survive, I had learned how to be thankful person, I had learned how to be better person days by days. Every person came into my life, God sent them as the lessons. I never know in the future, will they come across again or not. I won’t chase them anymore, as I normally did before, but I also won’t step back. Everybody that still have intention to come, I will always open my door, just knock it. I won’t step back and refuse it, but I also won’t step further to make fist move. It’s really more than enough to face such phase of life like this. It’s not easy, seriously. I’ve been changed, don’t know either it’s good or not, it’s temporary or not, but don’t worry I’m still a normal person who likes to smile, greet people, play with kids, and cook. 🙂

You may care, you may ignore, but please don’t abandon and ignore those depressed people around you. Don’t judge them, don’t make them feeling so down. Courage them, talk to them, help them. Look at around you, they are there. At least just be nice if you cannot help. I know you’re not responsible for somebody’s situation and feeling, but you can sensible enough to detect it, right? Don’t put them in the lower states that can trigger them to do uncontrollable actions, even the worst one, suicide attempts. Environment does affect the depressed people, so just don’t be cocky and ignorant people.

To those who encounter depression, seek help sooner, the faster you seek, the better you’ll be. Don’t let yourself dragging down to the floor of that hole, ask helps, sooner. It’s not bad thing to contact psychologist or talk to friends. Just release your worries as much as you can, don’t hold them. For my muslim friends, please do ritual prayers and recite quran well, it’s amazing therapy, seriously. You may seek help too, but also seek help from God. Remember, the depression is the state where the evil circle is strong enough to diminish your values and trigger you to act uncontrollably. For my non muslim friends, if you believe in God, then you can seek helps in the way your religions taught, if you don’t believe, then you can seek help through people, either your friends or psychologist.

I am totally okay now, no more cries, no more worries, no more pains. I already deal with those things. What a phase of life, it taught me so much about the value of life, being good to others and always feel blessed no matter the condition is. I do apologize to whoever that maybe got affected by my situation last time and thank you so much to those who still stayed for me no matter what. Thank you for the companions, hopefully you all never encounter such thing like this.

Warmest Greeting,

Nova (Aachen, 20 September 2015 – 12.07)

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Dear Nova, please don’t drag me into that hole again (2)

There were still many things happened that always triggered up my depression state, but I couldn’t tell every details here. Sadly, I’m person who always remembers every single details happened in my life, just like what people said, i’m kinda “harddisk” girl who will save every single thing into my memory. A friend told me “Nova, you shouldn’t remember those bad things happen in your life. It can make you always feel sad”. Oh well, yes, what he said was totally true but I just couldn’t help myself to remove those memories from my brain, I wish i could, even till now while writing this. When I tried to recall those things, my tears fell down again and it happened everyday. Everytime I opened my Photo Galery on my phone, those scenes were dancing again, depicting what exactly happened at that time. I totally have no idea how this brain works to save such things like that. What my friends said to me, I could remember it so well, even some of them who said it already couldn’t remember it anymore.

My depression was still going on, I still tried to cover it with smiling to everybody i met. I kept saying that I was totally okay, but in fact I lied. I needed help, I needed somebody to talk, but again, I was alone. I would like to contact guy friends which living in this building, but I was scared i would disturb them. Well, perhaps they didn’t wanna see me, or maybe because I am muslim, they are muslims too, and no friendship between men and women in muslims. I had no idea. What about other friends? They were busy, as everybody had their own stuffs to do and managed their own problems too.

I still cried a lot everyday, feeling so hopeless and thinking the suicide was the best way. See? How come such Nova have thoughts about suicide? how come? Even me myself right now, I couldn’t believe I had had such thoughts like that. I bet some of you ever heard when I playfully said “It must be nice to jump down from this tower. I wish I could jump down from this floor”. Well, it was not joke, totally NOT. I said it seriously, I just waited reactions from friends saying, “yeah, maybe you should try that.” Well, thankfully nobody said that. I live in 13th floor, high enough to touch the ground with scrambled body. My window doesn’t have such net, so jumping down can be done easily.  The worst attempts that I did was standing next to the window, staring to the whole neighbor area, thinking to step up to my bed as it will help me jumping easily and crying. At that moment, there was somebody jumping from another tower in front of my tower. “Oh well, maybe i could be the next, no pain anymore.” That was the thought at that moment. I did it several times as I fight with myself a lot. At those time, the evil circle was weak enough to fight with my faith. Yeah, my faith won, I canceled those attempts while saying “Astagfirullah”, which means “I seek forgiveness from Allah”.

The depression state didn’t come everyday, but it happened so often. My parents didn’t know that as I always said I was okay, my study run well. Yeah, my study run well, but I wasn’t okay. I knew I lied to them but I had no other choices. I didn’t wanna worry them. I couldn’t imagine how they were if they know their oldest daughter would have such condition like that. Being allowed to be here was the biggest gift they gave for me when I wasn’t kid anymore.

The marriage of two my best friends were also kinda sources to trigger this depression. Why? nothing wrong with them. I just wasn’t ready to handle everything. I was so deadly admiring to be at home, at their weddings, but I couldn’t. The last job to obtain my degree hasn’t been finished yet. I have no choice. I must stay here until everything is finished. I tried to escape by traveling, but I failed. I created such problem which made me feeling down so bad. I cried a lot after those days. At those months, many friends of mine were getting married. Everybody was getting married, why? Why now? Why it happened at moment I was in really low good condition and would like to seek help? Why they invited me? Why? Why they made me feeling sad? (which actually i was the one who made myself sad) If everybody gets married, then how about me? Why nobody loved me? Why i was always being alone? was I too bad to never have boyfriend for my whole life and so nobody cared about me? or maybe had I been destined to be alone in this world? Oh God, it’s too pathetic to think like this, but I couldn’t help myself at that time. Bunch of wedding invitations had triggered me to be person having allergic to those. Being upset of myself that I couldn’t be like them. My plan to get married at age of 23 was only being plan, forever. I still never know when my time will come. Almost everyday I got wedding invitations, which actually I couldn’t attend as it took place in my country. Then, what’s the point of inviting me? to show up that you guys were getting married? to offend me? Aah, those thoughts killed me a lot. Meanwhile, I was so upset as i couldn’t call my best friends so often anymore as they were so busy. Yeah, they have their own life now, with somebody. I was upset that they didn’t ask me anymore or maybe at least say hi to me. I always thought that they didn’t care to me anymore. I just didn’t realize that they have more responsibility now.

Ramadan (fasting month) and Idul Fitri 2015 also had called back that word. The first day of ramadan, muslims will have their very early breakfast which is called “sahur“. Normally I had it with family or at least friends during my whole life. I called Mom and Dad, at that time they were eating their sahur. I cried, I cried for not being able to be at home and not being able to have companion. “Allah, I want you please send me somebody soon.”, that was I always thought, well even till now actually. So at that time, I went to my friend’s room to take some photos, and at that time another friend came in too. When I was about to leave, they offered to have sahur together. I said yes to them and left sooner as i didn’t wanna show them my tears. I cried inside the elevator till reaching back my room. Happiness and sadness were mixed, I didn’t know how exactly I felt at that time. One thing for sure, I was thankful enough to have such companion in my first day of ramadan which was the first time in my whole life to be apart for thousand miles and had 19 hours of fasting.

Attending the graduation ceremony in Dublin last July had also called back that word again. Can you imagine people are starting their study altogether in same time but different university then most of them already graduated except the one studying in this place? Well, I was and I am one of those who haven’t finished yet. Maybe you will think that would me my fault. Well, honestly proudly speaking, that wasn’t my fault. I’m pretty sure people who had studied here before would know it. So again, the depression was still going on. I felt everybody left me, I felt alone, even though at that time they, even the professors encouraged me to finish it sooner (well, i’m not still late actually), but the atmosphere pushed me to feel down again. I tried to drag away those bad thoughts as much as I could, in some points I succeed, but in other points I didn’t. And again, I always ended up crying. The best weapon ever for me to drag out those thoughts.

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Dear Nova, Please Don’t Drag me into that hole again

It has been quite sometime when I stopped writing, well…I wrote some but I didn’t publish them. Now, I come to write another one, kinda counteracts of what have been written before. Honestly said, it takes so huge courage for myself to write this and tell the world what have happened. These thoughts suddenly have been triggered after some friends tell about what they have been going through, which hardly believe they could have it. Again, I’m writing this in English, as I always keep learning to have good english writings, even though I must be so sure some of the readers, especially indonesians will get annoyed if they would like to read this but they can’t understand. Well, this is how i write my story. 🙂

Have you ever heard about the word “stress” or maybe “depression”? Have you ever come across with such thing like that? Did you survive? Can you believe a person who has so many friends, who always smiles can undergo such condition like that? Well, many of you will say “NO”, and I’m so sure for that. Well, that was I thought before I have the time when those two words were coming into my life. Hardly believe it, right? Well, let say I wanna tell that a dark time ever stayed in my life for quite long time. It takes me really huge power from myself to tell that thing here, as I was so scared perhaps if I talk this, you guys will avoid me, will think bad of me or maybe will never ever say “hi” or even talk to me anymore. But I do believe real friends will never do those things, real friends stay even though they are not staying by my side. Maybe by reading this post, those people out there who have the same problem can survive their life, maybe…who knows.

How come a Nova can have such thing like that? How come she can have stress and depression? Wasn’t she an outstanding student before? Wasn’t she the one joining many competitions, getting some awards, and even awarded many scholarships before? Wasn’t she quite popular in her campus among students and lecturers in her bachelor university or even in her high school? Wasn’t she the one who always encouraged people to reach their dreams? Wasn’t she the one who always smiled and cheered up? Wasn’t she a nice person? I bet these questions would come out from your mouth as you know this. Well, maybe you won’t believe it, but sadly i’m telling the truth right now. I’m just normal human who always has ups and downs. Just like, can you believe Robbin Williams ended his life by suicide? hardly believe, right? 😉

I thought living here in this city would be the perfect place and time to live, but I’m totally wrong. If I could say my life here is colorless, well it’s not true. I have colorful life here, but why did I have the words call “stress and depression”? Everything happened in this life has actions and reactions, just like there is daylight and night, moon and sun, so that words stayed for quite long time as reactions and counteractions of what have happened before. Well, it’s hardly to tell everything here but let me write some of those things.

It’s too sad that those two words stayed in my life for about 6 months, starting from early february this year. I’m pretty sure you guys didn’t notice that, even myself. But in June, as I talk a lot to a friend in Indonesia, she warned me. She kept asking me everyday whether i was okay or not. She kept asking me whether I had my food or not. She kept reminding me to eat, pray, have fun and do amazing stuffs. It was so hard to put every meal into my mouth even though my tummy was screaming to have it. I did things which could harm myself. I kept crying for hours, nearly everyday, even I fell asleep while crying. I felt everybody left me behind, everybody doesn’t like me, everybody hates me and I was alone in this earth and nobody cared about me. I hardly survived every day to start new life, new hopes with bright smiles. Sometimes, I could make it, sometimes I couldn’t, then I ended up crying. I became such so hypersensitive person to everything happened to me, even though for some unnecessary things. But, I just couldn’t help me, seriously.

She said these are the sign of depression, it wasn’t longer stress. She knew as she had the same condition before, even much worse than what I had. She really didn’t want me to be in her situation, that’s why she kept making sure that I was okay. I even googled the sign of depression and being shocked after realizing that the signs mentioned suited me well. Yep, I had depression but in light state, just like falling down to the deep hole, I was kinda in 1/3 of the hole, still being able to reach the outer edge, not yet falling down to its floor.

Didn’t I have friends? Well, I do have friends, but somehow I don’t wanna disturb them or even get close when I’m having problems. I know everybody has their own problems, but still not everybody can handle them, maybe I was one of people who couldn’t handle problems.

I wasn’t used to live alone or having everything alone, I never had it before. For 17 years I lived with my family, moved to another city for college but still managed to have really close friends, hanged out together, cried and laughed together. First time studying abroad was totally fine, I had such amazing friends there in States. But now, well..studying abroad (again) has changed everything, I had my own room and had to handle everything by my own self. I thought I was able to cope with that when living in previous country and applied it here, but I was totally wrong, different places, different countries, different survivals.

I liked to share stories to those who I thought they’re close to me, discussed things that I couldn’t handle or maybe at least to take some worries and bad thoughts out from my brain. I used to do that until a friend told me “Why you told your problems to others, don’t you think you disturb them? You should cope with your own problems, everybody has their own problems.” Oh well, I thought what he said was totally true and the thought about these statements had successfully driven me to be a depressed person. Crying was the best thing I could do whenever I come to the depression state, I could crying for hours, such unbelievable action ever.

I still clearly remember those scenes that triggered to have such mourning days and months. It was on 20 February when I finished the oral exam and got the score lower than my expectation, even though it’s totally not bad at all. I was so upset to myself for not being able explaining the things that I had studied before, although I knew and understood those stuffs. I didn’t know what to do to myself, I kept thinking I was stupid and dumb. Thankfully for a friend who noticed that and tried to cheered me up. We talked for hours then I went back home. I thought I was already okay but in fact I wasn’t. Then I would like to talk to a friend living in the same building, I used the reason to borrow his stuffs as actually I needed those as well. I went to his room, took the stuffs and actually would like to talk. But he wasn’t in hurry as he said he had meeting with some friends. Well, okay, everybody has their own life, and I couldn’t force myself to step in. I managed myself to step back, then got back to my room. I kept thinking which friends, were they the friends I used to know or who? Aah, everybody had their own friends, as I always thought, just to deny that the circle in this city is so small for me. Well, I ended my evening with crying alone in this room for 2 hours. Then I went to ice cream shop, sit there alone and had ice cream although it was raining and cold. After going back home, I opened facebook and realized that friend had dinner together with friends that I used to know, the people that normally invited me, the people that were always nice to me. I breathed deeply, tried to not be sad as I just wiped my tears. But I failed, I ended up crying again. Did I do something wrong to them? Why they didn’t let me in? am I annoying person to them? Why am I like this? I kept asking myself, tried to figure out those things but couldn’t find it. And that day, I failed to win over my depression.

Another scene, it was in a day of march when a friend had to move out from this city. I didn’t notice that and she didn’t contact me the day before she left. Instead she contacted some other friends. I took it seriously that made me feeling so sad as I thought she was good friend of me since I was in previous city. Well, maybe we were not good friend anymore, but why? did I do something wrong to her? As far I noticed, I never done it, maybe. And as always I ended up crying. Few days afterwards, a friend had birthday and we did surprise to him. I randomly asked where he just come back from, then he said he had dinner and gathering with friends I used to know as one of them would leave the city sooner. Well, again? Nova, you got abandoned again, be tough dear. That was what i said to myself after reaching back my room. Hey, what was wrong? Why those people kept abandoning me? Did I do something bad to them? Did I do mistakes? Why they acted nicely to me before and why they didn’t anymore? What should I do? Oh well, I always being abandoned. My brain was full of such thoughts and again, I ended up crying till morning, 5 hours crying, it was so crazy.

Again, another scene when it was a day in April. It was on tuesday when I just finished my german course, the only course that I took as I liked this language so much. Talking about my thesis, well…that’s another story to be told then. It was the time when I was about to go to supermarket. I saw 2 friends of mine waiting for the bus at the moment I wanted to across the road. I’d like to reach them but I chose to step back and continued walked to supermarket. Lately I knew that they just finished playing some sports. Well, were they still here? Most of friends I know were already leaving the city, only really few who still stayed. I haven’t contacted them for quite long, even though one of them was living in the same building as me. Well, my depression was still going on, right? I took it so seriously as I was walking by holding my tears to supermarket. My eyes were so warmed but thankfully no tear drop until getting back to my room. I cried a lot at that night? Even I kept asking myself why I was being like that. Why they played without contacting me even just to give such offer which maybe i won’t take part as I had course at that day? Why they kept laughing and talking without getting me in? Oh well, maybe I was nothing to them, I was kinda “rubbish”,  maybe or even I was kinda disturber? I kept thinking bad thoughts of my self, feeling that people around were abandoning me so much, feeling that i was nothing, nothing worth to everybody. I kept myself being circled with such bad thoughts that really put me down so much. What a poor girl, right? It kept being like that days by days, month by month, always crying for no reason, always felt sad but still covered it with smiling.

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